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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29872554">gasoline (pretty please)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandae110/pseuds/pandae110'>pandae110</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Angst, Begging, Canon Compliant, Dirty Talk, Disassociation, Enthusiastic Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Marauders, Masturbation, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, POV Sirius Black, Post-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Praise Kink, Requited Love, Resolved Sexual Tension, Riding, Rimming, Smoking, Smut, Topping from the Bottom, Touch-Starved, Unresolved Sexual Tension, allusions to depression, descriptions of being in a not-great headspace, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:07:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,932</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29872554</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandae110/pseuds/pandae110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“So I was thinking,” Remus began. They’d been circling each other like vultures all morning, and Sirius had guessed something like this was coming.</p>
<p>“Oh?” Sirius asked. He ran one hand through his hair, leaned over to the side, and felt his t-shirt slip further down, exposing more of his collarbone.</p>
<p>He watched Remus’ eyes track the motion, his mouth go slightly slack. Jackpot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>226</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>gasoline (pretty please)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title from and fic inspired by Gasoline by HAIM ft Taylor Swift.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius knocked on the door again, his first attempt having received no response. He took this as an opportunity to take in the place, shifting to look around at his surroundings.</p>
<p>He stood on the step in front of the nondescript, homely cottage, which was just as about as depressing as he’d expected when Albus had given him the coordinates of Remus’ “current living situation”. Another emotionless husk of a home for the man who refused to take up more space than was absolutely necessary; Remus, who would willingly fall on his own sword before taking what was rightfully his. The same man who had believed him to be a murderer capable of killing his own best friend for over 12 years.</p>
<p>Sirius took a step back and pulled out his wand, prepared to let himself in if necessary, but dropped his arm when he finally sensed movement behind the door.</p>
<p>The door swung open and Remus appeared, drying his hair with what looked like a hand towel, eyes wide and mouth slack like he’d seen a ghost. Sirius scanned the man in front of him, not bothering to disguise the gesture, drinking in everything that’d changed since their reunion almost a year ago, everything he wasn’t able to notice on that panicked night, distracted by accusations and moonlight.</p>
<p>He started at the bottom and worked his way up, cataloguing Remus’ bare feet and too-short trousers, his gauntness, looking much like he had after arriving on the Hogwarts Express at the start of their fifth year, surprised at having sprouted nearly half a dozen inches over the span of the summer months. Hands, still large and lovely, criss-crossed with more scars than he remembered. Shoulders hunched in, the posture of a man who didn’t frequently take guests.</p>
<p>And his face, <em> oh </em>, his face. This, Sirius remembered from their last encounter; he was beautiful—breathtakingly so, even after so many years. Sirius stared up at Remus’ face, taking in every new contour, wrinkle, scar. Eyes wide in—shock? Confusion? Sirius couldn’t place it, not used to interpreting others’ expressions and his memory still failing him in so many ways.</p>
<p>As he continued to stare, trying to puzzle it out, Remus cleared his throat.</p>
<p>“It’s you.” Remus avoided his gaze, looking around and behind him, unsettled.</p>
<p>“Albus didn’t tell you to expect me?” Sirius asked. Sirius didn’t pretend to know what was going on in the old man’s head, but not owling Remus to warn him of his arrival seemed especially cruel.</p>
<p>Remus shook his head.</p>
<p>“No, he did, it’s just—I didn’t—“ If anything, Remus looked even more unsettled. Wanting to put the other man out of his misery, but feeling completely out of his depth in how to go about it, Sirius really stared at Remus now. The man was stammering, unsure of himself, a look that Sirius hadn’t seen on him since they’d been at school, back in the early days, before they’d been comfortable with each other. Before Remus had trusted them. Back when he’d had no reason to have any faith in them.</p>
<p>“Didn’t expect me to show?” Sirius smirked, eyes sharp and without mirth. He hadn’t known what to expect from Remus, but this fumbling hesitation wasn’t it. He didn’t like it. Sirius knew his presence was merely to be tolerated, but he’d much rather have it out with the other man than be tiptoeing around each other for the foreseeable future.</p>
<p>Remus deflated, signaling Sirius’ failure in sparing the man more misery, but he let Sirius in the door. Small victories, then.</p>
<hr/>
<p>As Remus led him in, Sirius took in the place. Not that there was much to take in—the door opened into a small living room, with a tiny kitchen to the left and presumably the only bedroom and bathroom to his right. The inside was just as unremarkable as the outside, and would seem almost uninhabited if it weren’t for the books stacked up, covering nearly every surface Sirius could see, and a significant portion of the floorspace as well. Remus crossed the room in a few long strides, expertly avoiding the teetering stacks, putting as much distance between them as he could given the tiny space. His eyes continued to dart around, landing everywhere except on Sirius.</p>
<p>“Well, erm—“ Remus started, voice too loud for the quiet of the cottage, surrounded by nothing but kilometers of countryside. He stopped almost immediately as his eyes finally fell on Sirius. The moment lingered between them, and Sirius raised his eyebrows, unsure how to react.</p>
<p>Voice softer now, Remus tried again.</p>
<p>“Now that you’re here, I suppose...” Remus glanced around the room, as if the answer for how to finish that sentence lay among the books or blank walls.</p>
<p>Sirius was at a loss. The night they’d reunited was full of euphoria—witnessing the pieces of his plan finally falling into place, feeling Remus’ skin against his own for the first time in over a decade, finally properly meeting Harry—and despair—Wormtail’s escape, their unexpected run-in with the wolf, having to say goodbye to Harry after so little time—yet this version of Remus was nervous, hesitant, clearly holding back. Why? Sirius felt wildly unprepared to deal with the man in front of him.</p>
<p>Desperately hoping answers would reveal themselves with proximity, Sirius followed the other man into the room, careful not to disturb the books that surrounded them.</p>
<p>As he approached Remus, he was taken aback by the sense-memories that hit him. Sirius had forgotten Remus’ physicality, what it felt like to be near him: the space he took up, his smell, almost overwhelming in the small room. Sirius had forgotten the way the corner of his mouth twitched when he wanted to say something, the way his eyebrows knitted together when he was trying to solve a problem, both tells crossing his face as he stared back at Sirius. The air around them felt magnetic, almost as if there was magic bouncing between them, sharp and tingling as an electric shock. Sirius was struck with the overwhelming desire to bury his face in Remus’ neck and not come back up for air.</p>
<p>Losing himself in the intimate feeling of their togetherness, Sirius almost didn’t catch it when Remus finally broke the silence.</p>
<p>“—Cigarette?”</p>
<p>“Hm, sorry?” Leaning back from where he’d started to sway into the other man, Sirius felt dazed, and Remus looked back at him in confusion. “I said, do you want to go out for a cigarette?”</p>
<p>“Oh—sure, I suppose.” If they were smoking, at least he didn’t have to speak, and really, Sirius didn’t feel to be in the position to turn down any of Remus’ proposals.</p>
<p>Remus patted his trouser pockets, pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and opened the back door, which led out into a poorly-kept garden. The steps were clear, though, and Remus sat down on the top one, stretching out his legs and leaving room for Sirius to sit next to him.</p>
<p>As Sirius took his place beside the other man, Remus pulled his wand out of his back pocket and lit the tip of the cigarette he’d pulled out. He took a long drag, gazing out over the garden in the late afternoon sunlight.</p>
<p>“Dunno why I always do it out here, s’not like there’s anyone to be bothered if I smoked in the house,” Remus mumbled, quietly shaking his head.</p>
<p>Sirius tried to parse Remus’ comment, feeling he was missing something, another layer of meaning, perhaps. “Yes, well, probably for the best, what with all the paper in there, y’know?”</p>
<p>Remus looked back at him, slightly bewildered. </p>
<p>As he breathed in the smell of smoke, Sirius’ mind took him back to late nights in the astronomy tower, the two of them passing a shared cigarette back and forth. He pondered their circumstances: why had they always gone up there? Why not just stay in the dorm? It had always been so cold, nothing like the muggy June heat that surrounded them now.</p>
<p>Remus passed him the cigarette, and for just a moment, their fingers brushed. Sirius felt it more in his chest than his hand—the aggressive jolt like a miniature heart attack he forced himself to ignore.</p>
<p>As Sirius raised the cigarette to his lips, trying to remember, he took a deep inhale in. Suddenly, as if the familiar taste had unlocked a hidden door in his mind, it hit him. The smoke—it had been <em> James </em> that had hated the smell, banning cigarettes from their dorm room on principle, refusing to budge despite Sirius’ pleading. All the evenings spent with Remus because of that, just the two of them, skinny legs dangling in spite of the chill of the astronomy tower. And Remus still wouldn’t smoke in the house, because of—</p>
<p>Sirius immediately started choking. He blamed it on the shock of the memory combined with the fact that he hadn’t touched a cigarette in 12 years, but as Remus’ eyes scanned him, concern and guilt written all over his face, Sirius didn’t have it in him to explain. He finished coughing, eyes stinging, and passed the cigarette back to Remus, miserable.</p>
<p>He could barely keep facts straight in his head, his memories hidden behind locked doors and knitted together, nearly impossible to distinguish from one another. He’d been living rough, on his own for nearly a year now, and even rougher in the dozen years before that. He knew he looked a mess, unwashed and haggard from irregular meals. He hadn’t expected things between them to go back to the way they’d been before, knew it was impossible even if he <em> had </em> wanted that, but he’d hoped that at least Remus would be able to look him in the eye. Even if they couldn’t go back to what they were, maybe they could be friends. </p>
<p>They were the only ones left—relics from a war gone horribly wrong, left, battered and bruised, to fight the same enemy with seemingly none of their strongest players. The memories that did resurface were painful, in hindsight, but he and Remus were undoubtedly tethered to each other—there was no way around that.</p>
<p>Sirius reached over, plucked the cigarette from Remus’ fingers, and before the other man could say anything, took a quick pull that he let out in a frustrated huff. Remus could avoid him—or try to, in that woeful excuse of a cottage—blame him for what happened, refuse to come to terms with their past, but Sirius would not be pitied. Azkaban had taken so much from him, and after spending a year trying to gather the pieces of himself, he knew he’d rather go back on his own than be seen as a victim.</p>
<p>Remus eyed him, as if he expected him to launch into another coughing fit at any moment, but didn’t say anything. They sat there, together, on the steps, passing cigarettes back and forth and watching the sun set over the hillside.</p>
<p>Sirius broke the silence, curiosity getting the better of him.</p>
<p>“How’re we gonna do this, Moony?” The nickname felt intimate, a familiar shape in his mouth, even after so many years. Sirius himself didn’t know exactly what he was asking, and maybe he was referring to anything and everything: their next move, the war, <em> them</em>.</p>
<p>Remus stayed silent for a moment, his face closed off. Sirius wished desperately for the times back when he could read Remus like a book, back when the other man’s face was even more familiar than his own, but he felt locked away from those sorts of memories, his own mind slamming doors in his face.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure,” Remus finally admitted, quietly enough that he could be saying it more to himself than Sirius. Remus raised his gaze and met his eyes, and finally, Sirius could recognize the emotion. Remus was afraid.</p>
<p>Unsure what to do, but wanting to comfort the man, Sirius reached out and tentatively brushed his fingers over Remus’ knee, lightly resting his hand there.</p>
<p>Remus looked down at where Sirius touched him, his eyes softening. His shoulders relaxed out of the tight line they had assumed in the minutes they’d been sitting there, and while neither of them had moved, they suddenly seemed much closer, the point of contact between them burning.</p>
<p>Sirius didn’t know what to do. It’d been so long since he’d touched another person of his own accord, and the closeness was a bit overwhelming. As he looked over at Remus, the other man’s face seemed so near his own, and for the first time that evening, Sirius sensed no trace of nervousness.</p>
<p>He was getting lightheaded, the smoke and lack of food and onslaught of memories getting to him, and that combined with the look in Remus’ eyes that Sirius really wasn’t ready to unpack had him completely caught off-guard when Remus grabbed his shoulder.</p>
<p>Sirius flinched aggressively, and Remus immediately pulled his hand back like he’d touched a hot stove. Both men looked at each other in alarm, Remus dropping the cigarette and putting it out with his foot. He then rose, wordlessly, and reentered the house.</p>
<p>Sirius didn’t get a good look at his face before he left, but it didn’t matter. He was mortified. Remus had gone to all the trouble to put him up, and Sirius knew his presence was unwelcome, yet he just <em> had </em> to go and remind the other man how damaged he really was. No, he certainly wasn’t the attractive, carefree young man he’d been in their youth. Now, he was just a neurotic, broken man, a shell of who he once was. No wonder Remus didn’t want to be around him.</p>
<p>Sirius scrubbed his hands over his face and rose to his feet. Taking one more look at the disheveled garden, lit only by the rapidly diminishing twilight, Sirius turned on his heel and walked back into the cottage.</p>
<hr/>
<p>For the next few days, Sirius didn’t bother himself with anything more than moping around the house. That first night Remus had given him the bed, leaving no room for argument. Now, every night, he transfigured the lumpy sofa into something approximating a cot and slept in the living room, while Sirius spent his nights prowling the bedroom, either unable or unwilling to sleep, even he wasn’t sure. He got by on naps as Padfoot during the day, which gave him something to do besides glare out the windows or at Remus.</p>
<p>The issue was how ridiculously small the cottage was. Unless one of them was in the bedroom or bathroom with the door shut, they couldn’t be there together without practically bumping elbows. If Sirius had a staring problem before, it was nothing compared to now. He watched Remus almost obsessively as the other man went about daily tasks: reading, writing, looking out windows lost in thought. Sirius knew that Remus knew he was being watched, but it didn’t matter—Remus-watching became an essential part of his routine.</p>
<p>He did eventually try to be productive, doing the laundry or washing up after tense meals full of stilted conversation. Sirius had always been the tidy one between them, but he wasn’t going to risk messing up the books, so he left those along, instead cleaning around them, dusting and sweeping where he could. If Remus found this strange, he must not have thought it worth mentioning.</p>
<p>He also made further attempts at sorting the mess in his head. With Remus around, and in such close proximity, every day he was faced with a new barrage of memories resurfacing; the way Remus held a book triggering one, a rare look of amusement that crossed his face bringing up another. Sirius did his best to catalog and make sense of each of these recovered memories, trying to understand them in the context of what he already remembered or had been told of his past. It would’ve been so much easier with Remus’ help, someone to confirm whether he and James had <em> actually </em> transfigured the suits of armor into those floppy balloon people that Muggles place in front of used car lots. But he couldn’t shake the thought that if Remus knew the extent to which Sirius was having trouble remembering things, he’d pity him even more, and that was the last thing Sirius wanted.</p>
<p>There were other memories, too, ones that he knew were missing. Certain memories <em> only </em>Remus would be able to help him remember. Whenever one of these memories was revealed to him, perhaps by Remus passing behind him in the kitchen especially close, or one of the rare moments where Sirius caught Remus staring back, it was like he’d experienced an electric shock; the hairs on his arms stood on end, a tingling in his stomach, anticipation rising so quickly he felt he might throw up. The sensation was absolutely debilitating, and he was willing to do almost anything to feel it happen again.</p>
<p>Sirius noticed that Remus’ lingering looks came with startling frequency when he wore the other man’s clothes. Remus had always been a bit taller than his friends, and after that famed summer growth spurt, had absolutely towered over them, Sirius included. Sirius had never been bothered by this, and in fact enjoyed Remus’ height for purely selfish reasons, but it did make sharing clothes a bit tricky. Sirius, having shown up on Remus’ doorstep with nothing but the clothes on his back and an extra sweater tucked into his sack, had invited himself into Remus’ wardrobe without a second thought.</p>
<p>The last few days had left him lounging about the house wearing Remus’ old t-shirts, extra-long on him and with collars stretched enough to show a fair bit of collarbone, along with jeans that slung low on his hips and had to be rolled several times to not look ridiculous. Sirius finally had the opportunity to clean up once he’d arrived, so while he might not have been the looker he once was, he knew in theory that he was still easy on the eyes. And so did Remus, evidently.</p>
<p>“So I was thinking,” Remus began. They’d been circling each other like vultures all morning, and Sirius had guessed something like this was coming.</p>
<p>“Oh?” Sirius asked. He ran one hand through his hair, leaned over to the side, and felt his t-shirt slip further down, exposing more of his collarbone.</p>
<p>He watched Remus’ eyes track the motion, his mouth go slightly slack. Jackpot.</p>
<p>Remus dragged his gaze back up and pursed his lips.</p>
<p>“Yes, well. I was thinking we could go to town—it might be nice to get out a bit, see people and whatnot. We’re running out of necessities anyways, and we could get you some of your own clothes while we’re at it!” The latter half of the last sentence came out in a rush—Remus might have been flushed, Sirius couldn’t tell in the shadows.</p>
<p>“It might be nice to have some of your own things. You’ll be able to stop wearing my old junk, at least.” Sirius could practically hear his sigh of relief.</p>
<p>Sirius shifted in his seat again, this time exposing his lower stomach as he made to stretch.</p>
<p>“Whatever you say, Moony. You know I’m easy.” If the jig was up, he at least wanted to get a little more mileage out of it.</p>
<p>Remus turned away immediately, but not before Sirius spotted the flush traveling from his cheeks, downward, unmistakable this time. Well then—maybe things were looking up, after all.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Remus’ car was exactly like the house: nondescript, underwhelming, perfectly functional, in a depressing sort of way.</p>
<p>As they exited the house and made for the car parked outside, Sirius went to grab the keys in Remus’ hand.</p>
<p>“Can I drive?” Sirius asked. He’d been taught how to drive a car shortly before he’d got his bike. He’d learned from—who had he learned from? Not James, he wouldn’t have ever bothered with something so Muggle, and he doubted Remus would’ve had the patience to teach him a skill so complicated when they were 18. He looked expectantly up at Remus, whose face had gone carefully neutral.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure if that’s the best idea.”</p>
<p>“What? Why ever the fuck not?” Sirius asked, defensive.</p>
<p>“It’s just, I’d feel better if I drove.” Remus had clearly hoped that Sirius wouldn’t make a big deal of this, but Sirius couldn’t get past his offense. Remus couldn’t even trust him to drive a goddamn car the two miles into town—how incompetent did the other man think he was? Did he think Sirius was about to fly off the rails at the drop of a hat, or did he still harbor suspicions that deep down, Sirius was truly unhinged?</p>
<p>“Listen, Sirius, it’s not a big deal. I just think you should get a little more settled before taking on too much. You might overwhelm yourself.” Remus looked regretful, but Sirius could tell he wouldn’t be swayed by any persuasive bargaining. So that was it. Remus thought him a delicate flower, too fragile to do strenuous things on his own, like operate heavy machinery or be intimate in any serious way.</p>
<p>“Fine,” Sirius said, climbing into the passenger seat and kicking his boots up on the dash. “Let’s go.” He stared straight ahead, pointedly not looking at Remus. He heard the man let out a sigh outside the car, then open the door and get in.</p>
<hr/>
<p>They drove into the town, which was cute, in a sleepy, run-down sort of way. They stopped in the tiny grocery store, picking up eggs, milk, the Muggle sugar cereal Sirius was particularly fond of, extra chocolate for Remus. They also stopped in the thrift store, picking up shirts, jeans, and trousers, all in sizes appropriate for Sirius—Remus checked and double-checked the tags. Sirius found some particularly obnoxious band t-shirts, so he didn’t consider the charade a complete loss. They brought their bags back to the car, but before Sirius could get in, Remus stopped him.</p>
<p>“Hey, fancy a walk? There’s a trail through the hills just past the next block—might be nice to stretch our legs.”</p>
<p>Sirius thought they’d done rather a lot of leg-stretching, what with all the shopping, but clearly Remus had something in mind, and far be it from him to get in the way of one of Remus’ plans.</p>
<p>He nodded, smiling slightly and waiting for Remus to lead the way. If he had to guess, now that they were out of the cottage he bet Remus was angling for a proper chat. Not that Sirius was going to complain, it was actually rather kind for Remus to bring any sort of serious discussion about their history onto neutral ground. But Remus was always good at that, though—being rather kind, that is.</p>
<p>They hiked around the outskirts of the town, leaving the quaint buildings far behind, and heading into the hillside proper. Tall grass surrounded them on either side, and the early summer sun was hot on the back of Sirius’ neck.</p>
<p>They’d been walking for nearly 15 minutes, with Remus deliberately avoiding his eyes, when Sirius couldn’t take it anymore. He turned toward Remus and slowed his pace.</p>
<p>“Let’s have it out, then.”</p>
<p>It took Remus a moment to react, but he slowed as well and turned himself to look blankly at Sirius.</p>
<p>“I know you didn’t bring me here just to have a look at the scenery,” Sirius said. He was starting to get annoyed with the coy act.</p>
<p>Remus sighed. “Sirius—“</p>
<p>“Don’t <em> Sirius </em>me,” Sirius interrupted.</p>
<p>Remus was starting to get frustrated. <em> Good</em>, Sirius thought to himself.</p>
<p>“I don’t know what else to say!” Remus snapped, gesturing wildly at the nothing around them.</p>
<p>Sirius stopped completely now, and they looked at each other a moment.</p>
<p>“You don’t trust me anymore. You haven’t for a long time. Before the war, probably.” Sirius had been considering those words for a long time.</p>
<p>“Sirius—“</p>
<p>“No, just let me say this. We didn’t trust you either. I didn’t trust you. You were always gone, doing this and that, supposedly for Dumbledore, but you could never give us any details—what were we supposed to think? We knew there was a spy, and you couldn’t look anyone in the eye, not even me. I tried to tell myself you were always a shit liar, but trying to get you to say anything, to just talk to me, was like pulling teeth. So when Peter and I switched I—“ he took a deep, shuttering breath. “—I thought I was keeping them safe. From you.” Tears welled up as he continued.</p>
<p>“And I’ll never forgive myself for that. Because I loved you, Moony, I really did. But I had no faith in you, and it cost me everything.” The tears that had been stinging his eyes were now falling in fat drops down his cheeks.</p>
<p>Remus didn’t reach out to touch him, but he started to speak, quietly at first.</p>
<p>“I knew it was a mistake. Keeping everything from you all, that is. But you especially. There had never been any secrets between us, but suddenly I was building a wall, and I told myself it was to protect you, but really I think it was to try and protect me.” Remus’ voice was getting tighter and tighter. “God, I loved you so much. It scared me, how much I loved you. I didn’t know who to trust, and in a sense I was only sure of two things: that I couldn’t trust anyone, and that I loved you. And the worst part of all, after it was all over, was that I still loved you!” Tears fell from Remus’ eyes now, too.</p>
<p>“They told me what you had done—I won’t pretend to have seen through it. I believed every word they told me. But I still loved you, Pads, and every day it killed me just a little bit more.”</p>
<p>Sirius was shaking with silent sobs at this point, and through his tears he could see Remus’ composure had similarly been lost.</p>
<p>“Well, we’ve really fucked ourselves up, then, haven’t we?” Sirius said.</p>
<p>Remus chucked, wet and a little hysterical.</p>
<p>“I suppose so.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Their conversation didn’t really fix anything, but it didn’t make anything worse, either, so that was something. Sirius still spent his days split between trying in vain to fix his brain and watching Remus do the same three things on repeat.</p>
<p>The issue was that their conversation hadn’t revealed any information that he didn’t already know. He had years of evidence—well, maybe not anymore—to prove that he and Remus had loved each other—memories of them <em> saying it </em> , for Merlin’s sake! He didn’t need confirmation that Remus had loved him back then, he needed to know if he loved him <em> now </em>. Was the chasm—all the pain, the war, and the years spent apart—too much? Was Sirius too broken to love now? Remus had said loving Sirius had killed him—that didn’t seem a good sign. But still, he got feelings, inklings… Remus would look over at him, or touch him lightly, without thinking, and Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if they could again have what they’d lost.</p>
<p>His own brain wasn’t helping matters, however. He hadn’t exactly been in the best place, emotionally, that is, going into Azkaban, so in an ill-advised attempt to salvage himself in there, he’d gotten into the habit of forgetting his own existence. While imprisoned, he could go days, weeks even, without a memory or thought of himself. That way, he never risked a positive thought for the dementors to target him for, and he was left alone, for the most part. It was a very rudimentary form of legilimency, but as much as he despised the practice, he owed most of his remaining sanity to it.</p>
<p>The problem was that this was a very difficult practice to get out of the habit of doing. It was not uncommon for him to find himself roused by a gentle touch from Remus, having accidentally ‘gone away’ for an entire afternoon. He knew this concerned the other man, but with so much left unspoken between them, he didn’t know how to explain it. Remus already treated him like glass, like he’d break if handled roughly, and it made Sirius want to scream.</p>
<p>They didn’t touch, except for when they did. Remus passed him his tea yesterday afternoon—their fingers brushed, only for a second, but they both jerked like they’d been burned, the cup dropped and hot liquid splattered all over the floor, physical evidence of their own hesitation toward one another.</p>
<p>The Moon arrived, signaling passage of time in the face of everything. The morning before, Remus still hadn’t mentioned Padfoot, so Sirius didn’t bring him up. He wanted to help, desperately so, and all the new scars marring Remus’ face and hands told him that the other man could use it. Still, they tread so lightly around each other these days, Sirius didn’t know how taboo any mentions of the Wolf would be taken. He resolved to bring it up later that evening—ever the procrastinator, even with nothing enjoyable to put things off for.</p>
<p>Sirius had managed to cajole Remus into taking his bedroom back, convincing him that he got absolutely no use out of it, as he didn’t sleep properly anyways. And really, Sirius couldn’t stand to see Remus walk around all hunched-over anymore, like he was 30 years older than they really were. As Remus exited the bedroom that morning, he headed straight to the kitchen, but over his shoulder, he called to Sirius.</p>
<p>“You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you, some of your old things are in the garage outside—you might want to go through them at some point.”</p>
<p>Sirius hummed noncommittally, but was secretly intrigued. Why did Remus have all his old things? Why hadn’t they been thrown out?</p>
<p>He spent the morning puttering around the cottage, not wanting to seem too eager, but by lunchtime he couldn’t hold out anymore. He may have been listless, but he was also bored out of his mind, so he headed out to the garage and pulled the door up.</p>
<p>The room was dusty and didn’t look like it’d been touched in years. Boxes lined each side wall and took up most of the room. Sirius glanced inside the open ones, mostly uninterested, and saw assorted papers, books, and trinkets. He wondered, but didn’t want to get his hopes up, until he lifted up on his tip-toes and spotted, behind a particularly tall stack of boxes—</p>
<p>“Yes!” He let out a whoop of joy at the sight of his bike, dusty but whole. The sight of her still brought the rush he got the first time he laid eyes on her, and he immediately scanned the rest of the room, looking for anything he might use to—</p>
<p>He spied a toolbox on the far end of the garage, which he immediately grabbed and then sat down to work on the bike, genuine contentment filling him for the first time in what felt like a very long time.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Somewhere along the line, a memory resurfaced that reminded him how often he used to get carried away tinkering on the old girl. More time must have gone by then he realized, because while he came into the garage at the peak of the afternoon, he could tell by the slant of the light that it was now almost twilight.</p>
<p>He heard footfalls by the door, and soon Remus was there.</p>
<p>“Ah, you’ve found her then.”</p>
<p>Sirius didn’t raise his head, but replied.</p>
<p>“Yeah, and she’s in a right state after sitting here useless for so long.” He grunted, finished using the large wrench to tighten the bolts holding the back wheel together. Finally looking up, Sirius smiled. “It’s alright, she’s got me back now.”</p>
<p>There was a small smile on Remus’ face, almost wistful, but he turned to leave.</p>
<p>“Well, I’ll leave you two alone.”</p>
<p>“Wait, Moony-“ Sirius started, not knowing what to say, but not wanting to let the moment slip past them. “Can you hand me the smaller wrench while you’re up? I can’t reach it.”</p>
<p>The garage was not large, and with the bike having been pushed up against the far wall to make room for other junk, the space Sirius had wedged himself and his tools into was downright minuscule. It was frankly ridiculous, farce plain as day, for Sirius to ask Remus to hand him something that he could easily lean over and grab for himself, but if Remus saw through him, he didn’t say anything.</p>
<p>Crossing the garage in a few long strides, Remus moved past the bike and behind Sirius himself to grab the wrench. Sirius was made aware of exactly how small the spot he’d chosen was as Remus’ chest brushed his back, the other man pushing up against him. Remus rifled around the toolbox for what felt like hours but simultaneously only fractions of a second. They were touching, shoulder to hip, and it was glorious.</p>
<p>Sirius started to lose himself in it: the warmth that Remus gave off, his solidness, the harsh smells of motor oil and leather from the garage mixing with Remus’ unique scent, tannin and Muggle paperbacks and something uniquely Moony. It was heady, and before he knew it, a familiar feeling below his belly button began to stir. Through the heat of Remus on his back and the garage, its scent now redolent, overwhelming his senses, and the tug of—it couldn’t be—<em> arousal </em> in his belly, the sudden increase of pressure on his back didn’t register, until—</p>
<p>“Fuck—“ Remus gasped as he grabbed onto Sirius’ shoulder for balance, having almost fell over after reaching down for the wrench, and nearly sending himself, the bike, and half the stuff precariously balanced near them toppling to the ground.</p>
<p>Sirius reflexively grabbed Remus’ hand on his shoulder, covering it with his own to help steady him. The skin-to-skin contact set his nerves singing, and he looked sharply at Remus over his shoulder at the same time as the other man. </p>
<p>Their eyes met in a moment of wild panic, neither sure how to proceed. They stayed there for a second, neither making a move, both seemingly holding their breath. Remus’ scent was even more intense face to face. </p>
<p>Remus was the one to break the silence.</p>
<p>“You’ve got a—“ he set the wrench down on the seat of the bike and gestured with his now-free hand toward his own right cheek, which, Sirius belatedly realized amid his own haze, was stained red. Sirius raised one eyebrow, half in confusion, half because he didn’t trust his own voice at the moment.</p>
<p>“Oh, just let me—"</p>
<p>And then Remus reached out and tried to wipe at the grease stain on Sirius’ cheek with the pad of his thumb. Sirius could feel his own cheeks flaming, suddenly aware of how close their faces were to each other now, but couldn’t help himself from reaching up to grab Remus’ wrist.</p>
<p>Remus’ thumb stilled, and Sirius in turn began to rub his own thumb along the thin, translucent skin of Remus’ wrist. The other man’s breath was coming heavier now, and Sirius felt drunk on their closeness, overcome with this feeling of confidence. Remus leaned in even further and—</p>
<p>Sirius stilled. Pressed up against his lower back and the swell of his arse, he could feel Remus, long, warm, and unmistakably hard. He let out an involuntary gasp, nearly a whimper, when suddenly, Remus wrenched his hand from Sirius’ grasp and stood, turning away and walking to the doorway.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you later. Don’t wait up for me,” he said without turning around. And before Sirius had the chance to respond, he was gone.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Sirius spent the evening pacing the length of the cottage, back and forth, running the events of the afternoon over and over again in his mind, trying to figure out where he went wrong. He didn’t mean to push Remus, had only been trying to get the other man to show his hand, but he’d cocked everything up in the process. Now Remus had to deal with the Wolf, alone, because of him. While Sirius knew Remus had been handling things well enough on his own in their years apart, he couldn’t help but feel tremendously guilty, haunted by Remus’ scarred visage every time he closed his eyes.</p>
<p>With Remus’ form impossible to set aside, he started thinking about other elements of their confrontation in the garage. He’d certainly succeeded in producing a reaction—perhaps a little too well. His thoughts slipped in and out of focus, memories from that afternoon—of Remus, hot and hard, pressed up against him—suddenly mixing with memories from his past: his own hands on Remus’ shoulders, holding himself steady as he sucked a mark into the other boy’s neck; both of them squeezed together in a closet, rutting against each other wildly as they covered each other’s mouths to keep from making noise; his own wrists in Remus’ hands, pinned to sheets and writhing, the whole scene framed by curtains of Gryffindor red and gold.</p>
<p>He sat down and ran his hands through his hair, trying to get a grip on himself. He felt arousal pool in his belly, and would’ve been surprised, had he not been half-hard ever since he’d left the garage. Guilt, regret, and lust all washed over him, an absolutely dreadful combination, but he couldn’t seem to calm himself. Instead, he dove further into his own mind for the memories that had been taunting him ever since his arrival.</p>
<p>A certain memory stuck out to him, from when they had just moved into their apartment after graduating, Sirius realized. The apartment, paid for with Sirius’ inheritance from his Uncle Alphard, was located in central London, and while it was the size of a matchbox and a bit run down, Sirius had never been more happy. It had everything they needed, and more importantly, it was theirs.</p>
<p>
  <em> It must have been nearly four in the morning, their friends only just having left following a raucous yet jovial housewarming party. Remus was dozing on the sofa, nicked straight from a Muggle estate sale not too far from there, but Sirius was still wide awake, having tidied the entire apartment following everyone’s rambunctious departures. </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em> He took a moment to take Remus in, who had always been so different in sleep, unguarded and innocent. He joined the other man, cuddled up to him and whispered: </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Moony.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Hm?” Remus didn’t open his eyes. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Wake up.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “What? Why?” He said through a yawn. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sirius leaned in even closer. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I want to go christen the bedroom. We didn’t get the chance, earlier.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus opened one eye, all mischief. If Sirius knew anything about Remus, it’s that he would always choose certain activities over sleep, absolutely insatiable, especially near the Moon. Sirius hopped up off the couch and headed toward the bedroom. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Unless you’re too tired of course. I’m feeling tired too, now that you mention it…” Sirius stretched then, showy, knowing Remus was getting an eyeful of his exposed lower back, jeans clinging tight and low. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sirius didn’t know if it was because of the Wolf or if it was just one of those Remus things, but the other man was deceptively strong for his build. Either way, Sirius was caught off guard, but not surprised, when Remus snuck up behind him and lifted him off his feet, throwing him over a shoulder. Sirius could barely make it out through his laughs: </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “You absolute animal!” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus chuckled as he entered their bedroom and threw Sirius onto the bed. Crawling over the other man and baring his teeth comically, he admitted: </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Maybe—you do enjoy it, though.” Remus punctuated this statement with a kiss to Sirius’ neck, only a hint of teeth. </em>
</p>
<p>Present-day Sirius forced himself out of his reminiscing, feeling empty. Had they really been that happy? That carefree? Sirius felt so far away from his life before Azkaban, which hadn’t been perfect by a long shot, with beatings and disownings to be contended with, but before then he’d never been so consumed by the negative aspects of his life. Now he felt as if every day was something to get through, made manageable only by Remus’ near-constant presence—however, it seemed he’d finally managed to ruin that as well.</p>
<p>Resigned, Sirius fell back into his memory.</p>
<p>
  <em> They were both naked now, and Remus was taking his time, kissing and licking over every square centimeter of Sirius’ bare flesh. Sirius was impatient, while Remus had always been partial to taking his time. Finally, he managed to pull the other man close to whisper in his ear. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Fuck me, Moony.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus’ pupils dilated at his words, but he didn’t say anything. He simply moved his hands down Sirius’ sides, muttering a wandless charm under his breath, and spread Sirius’ legs to kneel between them. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Leaning over Sirius, still not touching his cock, he kissed his face and neck sweetly, almost chastely, and Sirius was about to make a comment about getting a move on when he felt pressure against his hole. Remus was pressing the pad of a thumb, not pushing in, just pressing, teasing at his rim. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Merlin, Remus,” Sirius whined. </em>
</p>
<p>Sirius was panting, fully hard now. He pried open his jeans and shoved a hand in, gripping himself. He briefly considered the wisdom of what he was about to do, but he’d been chasing every fleeting pleasure he’d happened upon since returning, and he wasn’t feeling particularly restrained tonight. It’d been ages since he’d done this, but now that he’d started he couldn’t seem to stop.</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus was three fingers deep now, moving methodically but, Sirius contended, much too slowly. Sirius was trying to push himself down, trying to take more, faster, but Remus laid his other arm over the man, restricting his movement. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Moony, please, I’m ready—oh—“ Whether Remus brushed his prostate at that moment on purpose or merely by chance, he couldn’t say, but the breathy sound he made cut off any further pleas.</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus pulled his fingers out of Sirius, wiping them on the bedclothes, but instead of making moves to line himself up with the man, brought his face close to Sirius’. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sirius thought the man was going to kiss him again, but instead he spoke softly. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “I don’t think I told you so, but this is the happiest I’ve ever been.” He said the words so matter-of-fact, Sirius was surprised this wasn’t the hundredth time he’d heard them. Still, confused, he had to ask:</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em> “You mean, like, doing this right now? Or like, the new place, because I told you we’d find something—“ Sirius rambled, but Remus cut him off. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Being with you. Your boyfriend. Lover, whatever.” Remus sniffed, and Sirius was suddenly struck with fear that the other man might cry. “I just love you a lot, okay?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Oh, you giant sap.” Sirius threw his arms around his love. “I love you too, c’mere.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> They embraced for a moment, and parted only to meet in a passionate kiss. </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Can we keep going, please?” Sirius whispered. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus grabbed Sirius’ arse, kneading it lightly as he nodded. He gingerly arranged them so Sirius lay on his back, legs thrown over Remus’ shoulders, and lined his cock up. For a moment he just stayed there, moving his cock back and forth between Sirius’ cheeks, nudging his balls. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Moony, please, if you don’t fuck me for real soon, I think I’m going to implode.” Remus chuckled. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Well, we wouldn’t want that, would we?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> At first, Sirius could only feel blunt pressure against his hole, but then the head of Remus’ cock had penetrated that tight ring of muscle, and in one smooth slide, the other man was in him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Move, Moony, please,” Sirius practically choked. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Remus started slow, but soon was fucking him in earnest, his balls slapping against Sirius’ arse as he nailed his prostate over and over again. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Fuck, Moony, fuck—“ </em>
</p>
<p>“Fuck!” Sirius practically screamed as he came, twisting in ecstasy. He relaxed, pulled his hand out of his pants, breathing hard, and looked around for something to wipe it on.</p>
<p>Sirius snatched a cleaning cloth from a basket of laundry and cleaned himself up, rolling his eyes at his own predictability. He didn’t know if it was in poor taste to get off to a memory like that, considering the overall state of things, or if it was just pathetic.</p>
<p>The rush of endorphins subsiding, Sirius again felt the wave of guilt and remorse wash over him because of their situation. He looked around the cottage, and it suddenly seemed huge without Remus’ presence. Tears sprung to his eyes as he was overwhelmed with a sudden sense of loss: for his old self, for his relationship, and now Remus himself, too.</p>
<p>He finally managed to doze off on the couch around dawn, but was startled awake soon after by the sound of a key in the lock. Remus appeared in the doorway, looking battered and bruised, but with no major injuries that Sirius could see. Still, the circles under his eyes were almost purple—the man was practically dead on his feet. He jumped slightly when he noticed Sirius on the couch, but Remus didn’t say a word, just toed off his shoes and walked directly to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Sirius, unable to fall back asleep after Remus’ sudden entrance, was torn between taking advantage of any outlet for his nervous energy and trying to make as little noise as possible, not daring to disturb Remus’ sleep. He spent the morning cleaning quietly and obsessively, scrubbing corners and floorboards, wiping nonexistent dust off books and shelves, ways to keep his own jittery hands from turning on himself. He could’ve done it all in minutes with his wand, but there was something to be said for the laborious nature of the Muggle way; it made it more satisfying, as if the hours spent keeping up the house made their life there seem more real. When he finished, he showered, cleaning himself as meticulously as he had the cottage, sending the evidence of last night’s indulgence down the drain.</p>
<p>It was nearing mid-afternoon when he was finishing the washing up of his lunch dishes, still-wet waves of hair barely brushing his shoulders, when Remus finally exited the bedroom. He still looked rough, there was no getting around it, but admittedly it was an improvement upon his arrival that morning.</p>
<p>“I made you a plate, if you think you can stomach it. Left it in the fridge.” Sirius’ voice was tight, reluctant to overstep any lines with the other man, but his caregiving instincts had taken over.</p>
<p>“Oh—thanks,” Remus said, voice rough. “Yeah. That’d be nice.” The other man was acting reserved, sheepish almost, and Sirius assumed it was because of the awkwardness the events of yesterday left them in.</p>
<p>Remus sat down at the table and began eating, slowly, as if to keep from making himself sick. Sirius put away the last of the dishes and sat down across from him, avoiding the other man’s eyes. He wished he could go back in time, just keep it in his damn pants for once, and maybe they could’ve avoided all this trouble. He knew Remus could handle himself, but he couldn’t get over that he’d messed up this one thing, the one way he could’ve actually helped Remus somehow, a way for him to pay back the trouble of having to put up with him haunting the cottage these past weeks.</p>
<p>“—W’hff t’nta wn’n.” Sirius couldn’t make Remus out through the food in his mouth, so he gave the other man a scathing look for the appalling table manners. Seems you could take the boy out of high society, but never high society out of the boy, no matter how hard he might try.</p>
<p>Remus had the sense to look chagrined, chewing and swallowing before he continued.</p>
<p>“We’ll have to go into town, then.”</p>
<p>“Hmm, I suppose.” Sirius wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of spending more time in an enclosed space with Remus, but he wasn’t about to give up his one chance to get out and stretch his legs, so to speak.</p>
<p>Remus finished his meal and they cleaned up together. Soon they were walking out to the parked car again, and as Sirius approached the passenger seat, Remus stopped him with a hand on his upper arm.</p>
<p>“Wait. Would you—could you drive, actually?” He cleared his throat. “I’m still not feeling great.” </p>
<p>Remus’ brow was furrowed, like he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he wanted to offer what he was offering, but Sirius was intelligent enough to see what he was doing. He took the peace offering for what it was, but, Sirius rationalized, it wasn’t like he hadn’t noticed Remus limping his way to the car in the first place; he truly wasn’t doing great, either.</p>
<p>Sirius, deciding not to say anything, simply nodded once and slipped into the driver’s seat, grabbing the keys from Remus’ warm, calloused fingers, pointedly not remembering what those fingers had done, where they’d been so many years before. Remus glanced down when their fingers grazed as well, and for a split second, Sirius thought he saw a look on the other man’s face that might’ve meant he was remembering the exact same thing.</p>
<hr/>
<p>They exited the grocer together, arms weighed down with bags full of tinned beans, ripe tomatoes, ingredients for pancakes at Sirius’ insistence. They loaded up the car and sped away, the summer sun still hanging over them in defiance of the rapidly approaching evening.</p>
<p>The energy between them had changed, any lingering tensions lost amongst bags of crisps and fresh produce. Perhaps it was the perspective thrust upon them by being forced to confront the existence of other human beings, the utter mundanity of the Muggle world; maybe they just didn’t have it in them to hold grudges in their old age. Either way, Sirius was thankful for it.</p>
<p>Sirius looked out the window, at the sunlight that bathed the hills in warm, golden light. He decided to take the scenic route home, desperate to prolong the feeling of freedom that these trips provided. It had been so long since he’d felt any semblance of control, but behind the wheel of the little car, it was as if all the anxieties he had about salvaging the tatters of his mental state, about his relationship with Remus—well. They didn’t fade away, exactly—I mean, the other man was <em> right there </em>, not particularly easy to avoid—but they suddenly felt like manageable problems. Sirius didn’t often get the sense that he was doing a good job at anything, anymore; merely a presence to be tolerated. Here, he felt like he was capable. If he could do this, at least, maybe he could make things work. He felt hopeful.</p>
<p>He glanced over at Remus and couldn’t keep the smile off his face. The other man had his feet kicked up on the dash and was leaning against the window, eyes closed in either contentment or genuine sleep, Sirius couldn’t tell. For all his wolfish attributes, he couldn’t suppress the thought of a cat sunning itself after a particularly strenuous morning.</p>
<p>Remus opened his eyes, catching Sirius staring at him. He returned Sirius’ smile, and Sirius was suddenly struck with the need to give something to this man, desperate to return to the closeness that they had slowly been returning to.</p>
<p>“Hey Moony?”</p>
<p>The use of the nickname must’ve tipped Remus off that Sirius was about to get into something, because his posture shifted slightly, deliberately casual.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Padfoot?”</p>
<p>“You know how I, er, don’t really sleep much?” Sirius cringed internally at his own bluntness.</p>
<p>Remus looked at him carefully, as if he didn’t want to scare him off.</p>
<p>“Yes, I’ve noticed.”</p>
<p>Sirius steeled himself, willing himself to continue.</p>
<p>“Well, it’s um. It’s not my only issue. There’s more, I mean.”</p>
<p>Remus didn’t say anything, just waited for Sirius to continue.</p>
<p>“Um, my head—my memories, that is. I don’t really remember stuff from before. Well, I remember some stuff, more and more all the time, really, but there’s gaps. Or sometimes I can’t tell how it’s, uh, how it’s all connected.” Sirius’ eyes were determinedly ahead, not looking at Remus.</p>
<p>“Before, in Azkaban,” Sirius could feel Remus tense, “I was just. It was easier, better, to not think about things. The good things. Because then, well, the dementors couldn’t take it from you, you know? So I would just not think about things. Not think about me, or us. In order to cope with it all.” His voice was shaking now, his hands too. “So I still, um, go away, sometimes. Force of habit. I know you’ve noticed.” He dared a glance at Remus, who was staring directly at him and gave a tiny nod.</p>
<p>“Right, and so, once I got out, I didn’t really realize how much I’d,” Sirius took a deep breath, “how much I’d locked away. I got some of it back over the last year, but not nearly as much I’ve recovered since being here.”</p>
<p>The “because of you” was left unsaid, but it hung between them, nonetheless.</p>
<p>“Some of it’ll be gone forever, maybe. I don’t know.” He finally turned his attention to Remus, whose eyes were full of concern.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Remus said, and Sirius winced.</p>
<p>“No! Not about that, I mean, I know you don’t want me to—” Remus was running his hands through his hair, looking conflicted.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about last night. I know—“ he broke off, suddenly reserved. “I think, at least, that you might’ve wanted to come with me?” Sirius’ eyes were darting between Remus and the road, wanting to devote everything he could to this conversation, but not wanting to break the delicate atmosphere, the spell of truth around them.</p>
<p>“I—yes. I wanted to.”</p>
<p>Remus turned to the window, looked over the hills. Sirius watched him, waiting.</p>
<p>“You <em> know </em> it’s dangerous. Circumstances have changed so much since we were kids, and because of that, things are worse in a lot of ways. There’s too much, years, really, of resentment. Between me and the Wolf.” His voice was firm, and he turned, looking pointedly at Sirius.</p>
<p>Sirius deflated. Remus let a deep breath out.</p>
<p>“But I’m not going to lie, I think you being there, Pads, would make things more… manageable. Last night, I think he could,” Remus paused, reservation returning, “smell you on me, or something. He didn’t understand, spent ages searching, howling—looking for Pack.” Sirius couldn’t stay quiet anymore.</p>
<p>“I want to help! I mean, I just think I could be there, and Padfoot could run with the Wolf, you know—it’s been so long,” he finished lamely. Remus, however, looked at him with genuine appreciation on his face.</p>
<p>“It was the least he’s torn me up in years. Going through all these Moons alone, I just—” Remus’ voice was quiet, and Sirius was struck with the gravity of what the man must have gone through in their years apart, the tip of the iceberg.</p>
<p>“There have been a couple of close calls. Every month I wonder if it’s the last moon I’ll see. If I refuse help from those offering it,” he looked up at Sirius with a humorless smirk, “I probably won’t have too many left.” He paused again.</p>
<p>“A couple years ago, the thought didn’t trouble me too much. Now though, I’ve got things to live for. People.” He let out a dry laugh.</p>
<p>“Albus still calls on me, but you know all about that.” Remus sobered quickly. “And Harry. Teaching was the happiest I’d been since… everything.” Tentatively, he laid a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “And you’re back, now.” He removed his hand and looked away. “So, yeah. I think I want to stick around a while.”</p>
<p>Sirius was struck by serendipity of their circumstances in that moment. Two broken men, who against all odds and against forces that would destroy nearly everyone else they’d held dear, had somehow found their way back to each other.</p>
<p>Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand, squeezed once, and brought the other man’s knuckles to his mouth, kissing softly. As he rounded the corner to the cottage, he murmured under his breath, just loudly enough for Remus to hear:</p>
<p>“Alright then, Moony. Me too.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Nearly a week later found Sirius sitting on the kitchen counter, surrounded by the comfort of late, late night. True to his confession to Remus, he still didn’t really sleep, instead losing himself in the utter silence of the cottage, disturbed only by the breeze filtering through the bushes outside or the occasional small animal that scampered past.</p>
<p>After the full moon and their trip, Sirius and Remus had reached a kind of equilibrium. Instead of the awkward, stilted interactions that had filled the past weeks, they were quieter, but the silence was comfortable rather than uneasy. In the evenings, rather than stare at each other and pretend like they weren’t looking, they talked; about their pasts, the memories they shared and their years without each other. Sirius asked questions, trying to suss out where the holes in his memory were so that Remus could help fill them. Sometimes Sirius would get so excited about something he’d remembered, he’d practically shout over Remus to finish the story, complete with his own flourishes and embellishments. Sometimes they would find a particularly large gap, and Sirius would spend the rest of the evening listening to Remus’ soft murmurs, going on about this or that series of events that transpired during their years together as boys.</p>
<p>Remus had always been a fantastic storyteller, and there were few things Sirius cherished more than the sound of the other man’s voice, rough from years of cigarettes and moons, soothing him with tales from their past. It was on these nights that Sirius often found himself teetering in that dreamlike space between sleep and consciousness, and here, more than anywhere else since his return from Azkaban, he felt truly safe.</p>
<p>It was inevitable—they grew closer. Sirius didn’t pretend that he was surprised, knowing that the other man was his equal counterpart in almost every way—a matching set, they were, had always been. He didn’t resist, wouldn’t have been able to even if he wanted to, but he knew he and Remus were quickly slipping past a point of no return. They had finally tapped its roots, and now the intimacy that blossomed between them was a luxury Sirius didn’t think he’d be able to give up. It made him bold and cautious in equal measure, but mostly it made him pay attention: to himself, to Remus, to how they were both together and apart. Sirius thought—hoped, really—that he saw a change in Remus during their time spent together. The other man seemed more awake, lighter, almost, like he’d forgotten, at least momentarily, about all the things that weighed him down. Sirius, for his part, knew he was better around Remus—happier, sharper, more <em> alive </em> than he ever thought he’d return to being. He only hoped the other man felt the same.</p>
<p>He shifted on the counter, having heard movement from the bedroom, when he saw Remus exit and quietly shut the door behind himself.</p>
<p>“You’re up late,” Sirius said as the other man crossed the room to the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Early, actually” Remus gestured with his shoulder to the window where, over the hills, he could see the beginnings of a sunrise peeking out.</p>
<p>“Ah, right then.”</p>
<p>“Tea?”</p>
<p>“Hm,” Sirius hummed, noncommittally. Leave it to the British to invent the solution for every awkward entrance, blundering occasion, passive-aggressive silence. Even they could benefit—what do one neurotic, bent, ex-aristocrat, ex-con wizard and his academic, working-class, werewolf ex-lover-slash-maybe-potential-future-lover do when greeting each other on opposite sides of 5AM? They have tea, of course!</p>
<p>As Remus puttered around the kitchen, Sirius took the opportunity to study him. The orangey-red light of the sunrise cast the kitchen in a sleepy glow, like the cottage had been lit by the light of a giant match, something out of a dream or one of those arty films Remus was always trying to get him to watch. It spilled across the surfaces and planes of the room, all cluttered with various books, dishes, and stacks of notes. Most significantly, it caught Remus in profile, the orange light picking up the coppery tones of his hair, the light freckles that dusted his cheekbones and neck, the long lines of his sweater-clad form in motion.</p>
<p>Remus let out a little huff of air, the same one he always made when the water took too long to boil, despite him being perfectly capable of using magic to speed things along. Sirius could almost hear the inevitable reply, “You know it never tastes quite right like that, Sirius.” God, he loved this man.</p>
<p>“I still love you, you know.”</p>
<p>Silence. That is not quite what he had meant to say, aiming for something more along the lines of “Thank you for letting me stay with you,” or even, “I appreciate that you’re still here after anything that’s happened between us.” But, then, those things would only have been an approximation of the truth and, as James had always said, better out than in.</p>
<p>Having picked up on the glaring lack of kitchen noises, he finally dared a glance at Remus. He was standing completely still, still in profile, staring straight ahead with absolutely and—clearly—deliberately no look on his face. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again, saying:</p>
<p>“Love me like, ‘I’m your oldest and best friend left’ kind of love me?” The blank mask was slipping, and Sirius could see painful doubt shining through. Sirius snorted.</p>
<p>“Remus, I think it’s been a very, very long time since we’ve been ‘friends’. Unless you still believe that bullshit I was putting on in fifth year when I convinced you that friends could do stuff as long as it was over the covers, eh?” Sirius' eyes twinkled at the memory, then looked back at Remus.</p>
<p>The other man looked stricken. His face, the most closed off Sirius had even seen it, barely moved as he said, so quiet it was almost unintelligible:</p>
<p>“Please, be serious.” The look on his face told Sirius not to take the bait.</p>
<p>“Remus, you are without a doubt the smartest man I’ve ever met, but you can be unbearably thick sometimes.” Remus opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius continued before he got the chance.</p>
<p>“I love you. Not as a friend. Not as a brother. Not as a lover.” Sirius raked his fingers through his hair, desperate to make his point clear.</p>
<p>“I love you as all of those things. Or, or none of those things—more than them! I’m not—this isn’t—“ he huffed, and then met Remus’ nervous eyes.</p>
<p>“I love you in every way I know how to love someone. You’re the only person I know who loves me, not for what I can do for you, or for what I have, or what I could be—you love me for who I am, right now. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not enough—like I’ve lost too much of myself along the way. But you remind me of everything I still have. You’re everything, Moony. You’re all I want.” Sirius could feel tears in his eyes, but stubbornly refused to let them fall.</p>
<p>“Sirius, I—“ Remus gripped the chair next to him, hard. Sirius spoke up:</p>
<p>“I know you may not feel that way about me anymore, but—“ Remus cut him off there.</p>
<p>“Sirius, don’t. How could I—in what universe could I not want you?” Sirius closed his mouth, wide-eyed, and Remus continued.</p>
<p>“I’ve loved you as long as I can remember. I genuinely don’t know who I was before I met you, before I started loving you. I never, ever stopped. When you betrayed me back at school, when I thought I might die during the war, all those years when I thought you killed them, finally, finally, when you came back.” Remus’ words were thick and heavy with emotion.</p>
<p>“I never stopped. I will never stop. I don’t want to. I want you, forever.” A shiver ran through Sirius at those words. Remus looked him directly in the eyes as he asked his next question.</p>
<p>“Are you sure this is what you really want? All of it?” Remus looked at him as if this question had a deeper meaning, one that Sirius was supposed to pick up on.</p>
<p>“I want to be with you, just like we used to be. I love you so much.” Sirius’ words were honest, but he fidgeted on the counter.</p>
<p>“But?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“But, I—“ Sirius began. “I don’t—“ Sirius cleared his throat and began again.</p>
<p>“It’s been so long. You— I haven’t— The last time we—“ He let out a breath. This was much more difficult than he thought it was going to be.</p>
<p>“There was never an opportunity for me to be intimate with anyone. I didn’t—I wouldn’t’ve wanted anyone else, even if there were. So I might not, er—perform. In the way that I used to, that is. It’s… been difficult for me, at least. You’ve seen—I tense up.” Remus was wide-eyed, clearly trying to keep his expression under control. Trying to reassure him, Sirius continued.</p>
<p>“Not that I can’t—and not that I don't want to! I do, more than anything. It’s just… you shouldn’t feel poorly if I don’t respond—it’s not your fault, it’s my fucked-up head, is all.” Sirius glanced up. Remus was silent for a few seconds.</p>
<p>“Out of practice, too, I bet.” Remus looked as if the words had escaped his mouth without consulting him first. Sirius met his eyes willfully.</p>
<p>“Oh, certainly.”</p>
<p>Remus stood in front of him, hands clenching and unclenching as if he weren’t sure of his next move. He crossed the space between the two of them, and Sirius let his legs fall open so there was room for Remus to stand between them. Remus moved nearer to him now, set his hands on the counter on either side of Sirius’ thighs. Sirius let his eyes rove over Remus’ face, noting the tiny freckles, the small spot near his ear that he’d missed shaving.</p>
<p>They were almost exactly the same height like this, and when Remus leaned into him, Sirius accommodated willingly. Remus’ lips brushed over the pulse of his neck, and Sirius could feel the other man’s breath tickle the fine hairs there. Sirius stretched, baring his neck even further, but Remus did nothing more than ghost his mouth up to his jaw and back down to the junction where neck met shoulder, hovering, yet not applying any real pressure. Sirius tried to take more, shifting to press himself closer to Remus, but as if he could read Sirius’ mind, Remus managed to stay just out of reach.</p>
<p>“Moony,” he let out in a soft breath.</p>
<p>“Hm?” the other man asked, lost in his own ministrations.</p>
<p>“Kiss me.”</p>
<p>Remus made his way from Sirius’ neck to Sirius’ lips, where he resumed his ridiculous hovering maneuver. Against the divot of his upper lip, down to a corner, around the swell of the lower lip, again and again, like a dance that Remus led, Sirius wont to follow.</p>
<p>“Remus.” He barely moved his lips to let it escape, Remus so close to him. He knew he sounded whiney now. “Please.”</p>
<p>Remus’ eyes met his, only for a second, as if to confirm Sirius’ meaning, but finally he increased the pressure. They were kissing, but only just. A chaste, gentle brush of lips, more appropriate for an overly affectionate aunt than the love of your life. Sirius did his best to try and deepen the kiss, but Remus’ lips were firm and unmoving against his own. Sirius pulled back slightly to look at the other man.</p>
<p>“What are you doing.” Sirius asked. Remus looked back at him, calculating.</p>
<p>“You know, I don’t exactly perform the way I used to either,” he murmured. “It’s an unfortunate symptom of the fact that we’ve reached our mid-thirties.”</p>
<p>Sirius threw his head back and let out a humorless laugh.</p>
<p>“Ha!” He barked. “Well in that case, I promise not to make fun.” Sirius schooled his face back to seriousness.</p>
<p>“Honestly, Moony, tell me what you’re thinking.” Remus met his eyes with a measured gaze.</p>
<p>“Pads, I want to go slow,” Remus said. “For me and for you,” he added, but Sirius could always tell when he was bullshitting. Sirius started a barely-there pout.</p>
<p>“Well, what if I want to go fast?” He asked. Remus snorted.</p>
<p>“Seriously!” Sirius said. “I didn’t tell you all that stuff just so you’d hold out on me in an attempt to protect me from myself. That’s not fair to me or you. I’m an adult—you need to let me make my own decisions.” Remus didn’t look totally convinced, but Sirius could tell his resolve was cracking. Sirius continued.</p>
<p>“What if I tell you? You can ask me, and I’ll tell you if you can go faster or if I need to stop. Please, Moony—I want to try.” He punctuated the request with an expression pulled straight from his memories—some more family-friendly than others—one that he knew had extraordinary power over Remus.</p>
<p>“Oh, <em> Christ </em>, Sirius.” Remus leaned back a bit, still standing between Sirius legs, and scrubbed his hands over his eyes. “How am I supposed to say no to that?” He dropped his hands and looked at him, blinking a bit.</p>
<p>“You’re not,” Sirius supplied, a roguish grin replacing the pout. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him, and the smile dropped from his face.</p>
<p>“I mean, that is, unless—you don’t want to?” Sirius hadn’t even considered this possibility, but he’d rather never touch the man again then force him into something he didn’t want to do.</p>
<p>“Which is completely fine, you know, I’d just thought, you know, because of the looks you give me sometimes, and also there was the garage the other day, but the full always did make you a bit randy, and anyways I’d never hold you to anything like that—“</p>
<p>“Sirius.” Remus interrupted. “Stop.” He went on. “Before you have an aneurysm—yes, I would very much still like to sleep with you.” Sirius let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.</p>
<p>“But more importantly, I want you to be sure you still want to sleep with me.” Sirius tried to interrupt, but Remus blazed on. “I want you to be sure you want to do this <em> now </em>. That you aren’t just trying to recreate the relationship we had before in order to make things good like they were back then.” Remus tried to keep his tone even, but Sirius could tell all of this was getting to him, and he rushed to reassure the other man.</p>
<p>“Remus, I know we can’t go back to then. But you make me feel things <em> now </em> , good things, things that I haven’t felt for a very long time. And I want to pursue those feelings, not because I remember liking them, but because I find every dumb little thing you do absolutely, infuriatingly attractive. And don’t tell me I only <em> remember </em> finding those things attractive, because I know for a fact that you never used to wear your reading glasses on a necklace, or fall asleep every time you read without a record on.”</p>
<p>Remus flushed at his words, but Sirius could tell how pleased he was.</p>
<p>“You like the necklace?”</p>
<p>“It’s the stupidest bloody thing I’ve ever seen. The house is so small it’d be literally impossible to lose your glasses.” Sirius leaned in further to whisper in Remus’ ear. “<em> It’s so sexy. </em>”</p>
<p>Sirius felt Remus shiver, and suddenly the other man was leaning in and he was being kissed properly for the first time in more than 13 years.</p>
<p>Sirius immediately surrendered himself to the feeling of Remus’ mouth on his, the slow, methodical movements stirring telltale signs of arousal in his belly. He’d forgotten how <em> thorough </em> Remus always was like this, frequently leaving Sirius begging for more. He knew the other man got off on it, and if he was being honest with himself, he did too. </p>
<p>He felt Remus’ hands on his lower back, toying with the hem of his shirt, ghosting his hands over the skin underneath. Sirius wrapped his legs around the other man, trapping him, and threw his own head back in pleasure, where it hit the kitchen cabinets lightly.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” he let out, and Remus attached his mouth to Sirius’ neck, kissing and biting in earnest now.</p>
<p>“Moony,” Sirius breathed heavily. Remus hadn’t stopped touching his back, in fact had been moving further upward, caressing the prominent shoulder blades and notches in his spine.</p>
<p>Remus hummed, took Sirius’ earlobe between his teeth, then licked up the curve of the shell and buried his face in Sirius’ hair, holding him close.</p>
<p>Remus held Sirius tightly, and Sirius stroked his back in turn as the other man pulled him even closer into himself. Speaking into his hair, Sirius could barely make out Remus saying:</p>
<p>“M’never letting go of you, Pads. Not again.” Tears immediately sprung in Sirius’ eyes, but, choked up, he managed:</p>
<p>“I know, Moons. M’not going anywhere.”</p>
<p>They stayed there, in the kitchen, for several moments. Eventually, Sirius disentangled himself and asked, “Can we go to bed, Moony? Please?” He used his sweetest, most coaxing voice, the one that had nearly always gotten him what he wanted. Remus eyed him, saying:</p>
<p>“Merlin, you’re a force to be reckoned with, even now.” He walked away from Sirius, out of the kitchen. Over his shoulder, he added, “Well, are you coming? There’s not really any point in me going back to bed alone.”</p>
<p>Sirius scrambled off the counter and followed Remus to the bedroom, where the other man had already laid down, still in his pajamas, Sirius now noticed. Sirius immediately crawled over him, but he hesitated a second. Remus noticed and immediately asked:</p>
<p>“You alright? I was just joking then, we don’t have to do anything. We can just sleep—“ but Sirius interrupted him.</p>
<p>“No, I’m fine,” he really looked at Remus, trying to convey his honesty. “I just… I wasn’t sure we’d get here.”</p>
<p>“Oh, Pads.” Remus ran his fingers through Sirius’ hair, and he leaned into the touch.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t sure either. I wasn’t sure if this was what you wanted. Wasn’t sure if it’d be good for us.” Remus sighed, but before he could continue, Sirius spoke up, all righteous indignation.</p>
<p>“Not good for us! I don’t know about you, but you’re the <em> best </em> for me.” He punctuated this statement with a kiss, smacking and dramatic, “The one true cure-all, phoenix tears be damned.”</p>
<p>Remus let out a snort of laughter, but stopped short, as if surprised the sound came out of him.</p>
<p>“God, I love you.” Remus looked directly at Sirius, like if he blinked the other man might disappear. Sirius leaned in close and then, unable to keep his mouth off Remus’ for a moment longer, closed the distance between them.</p>
<p><em> Damn </em>, he had missed this. It was like rediscovering a favorite book—he knew exactly what to do, his body responding almost automatically, and every move he made, every slide of lips and brush of hands was perfectly in sync with the man under him. One of Remus’ hands had shoved his shirt up and was smoothing along his back, and the other was intertwined into his hair, pulling lightly. Remus greedily ate up every little sound he made, and Sirius would’ve been embarrassed had he not been so turned on. It was all he could do to grip Remus’ shoulders tight, lightly brushing one thumb along the soft skin near his collar. Sirius was aware of the place where their hips were connected, couldn’t put it out of his mind, their mouths connected and moving together in tandem with his rutting.</p>
<p>“Moony—“ he gasped as they broke apart. “<em> Please </em> , I need <em> more </em>.”</p>
<p>Remus tutted at his whining, but rolled them over so Sirius was under him, pulling off his own shirt in the process. Sirius was overcome by the sight of new scars littering Remus’ torso, running his thumb over the ridge of a particularly ghastly one, which started right under the other man’s left collar bone, stretching down to his sternum, and nearly reached his bottom rib.</p>
<p>Looking Remus in his eyes and sensing his apprehension, Sirius didn’t say anything. There would be plenty of time to deal with the scars, physical and emotional, left over from their time apart. Right now was about starting new.</p>
<p>He leaned over and kissed the top of the scar, near Remus’ shoulder, gently. Then he pulled off his own shirt and laid back down, desperate to get Remus back on him. Remus didn’t return immediately, though. Instead, he sat back on his heels, looking at Sirius as if in a trance. Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand, pulling lightly, and the other man came willingly. Sirius pursed his lips. He knew he didn’t look as he once had, and while regular meals at the cottage had helped some, his ribs still jutted out, his arms too skinny from years of malnourishment.</p>
<p>Remus had shaken himself out of his stupor and noticed his silence, pinning Sirius with a knowing look.</p>
<p>“You,” he said, pausing to land a kiss on Sirius’ lips, “are bloody.” Kiss. “Fucking.” Kiss. “Gorgeous.” Kiss.</p>
<p>Sirius blushed, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>“You don’t need to say that.”</p>
<p>“Since when am I in the habit of stroking your ego undeservedly?” Kiss. “I mean it.” Kiss. “A+,” another kiss, “and I’m not in the habit of giving those, either,” he added with an over-exaggerated wink.</p>
<p>Sirius couldn’t help himself, he chuckled, and added:</p>
<p>“You’re absolutely ridiculous.”</p>
<p>“I’m <em> right </em> .” Kiss. “Amazing.” Kiss. “Lovely.” Kiss. “Beautiful.” Kiss. “ <em> Perfect </em>.”</p>
<p>Sirius was starting to get restless in that wonderful, twitchy way he got when Remus went on like that, and so he closed his eyes and wrapped a leg around Remus’ back, urging the man on.</p>
<p>“Moony, <em> please </em>,” he pleaded.</p>
<p>Remus continued his kissing and praises, almost under his breath now, but expanded his area of activity. He would move from Sirius’ face and neck downwards, over a nipple, ghosting over Sirius’ abdominals and lower, barely touching him and making Sirius hyper-aware of his every move. Sirius’ skin was hot all over, oversensitive, Remus’ teasing driving him totally out of his mind in the best of ways.</p>
<p>“Remus.” He threaded his fingers with the other man’s, pulling him up to look at him. His eyes were blown and glassy, and Sirius was sure his were a matching pair. “I want you,” he admitted through the lump in his throat, “I want you <em>so</em> <em>bad</em>.”</p>
<p>Sirius brought Remus’ hands to the waistband of his pajama bottoms, lifting his own hips and guiding him to pull them off.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>, Pads.” Remus looked him up and down, his gaze burning on him like a physical touch, and Sirius shuddered.</p>
<p>Sirius should’ve known better, but he thought Remus might’ve taken the opportunity to move things along. Instead, the other man returned to his thorough, methodical ministrations over his body, albeit now with more tongue. The sensation was heady, and Sirius felt almost drunk on it. The man moved up and down over him, to his face, neck, and chest, down to his hip bones, teasing him with soft licks and bites, kissing what felt like every centimeter of him.</p>
<p>Every time Sirius would think Remus was going to put his tongue where he really wanted it, the other man would skirt around his cock, which was growing heavier and more flushed by the second, and begin the trail back up his body.</p>
<p>“<em>Please</em>, Moony,” Sirius panted.</p>
<p>“Please what?” Remus continued to move his mouth over the mole near his left nipple.</p>
<p>“Please just, <em> ngh</em>—“ he broke off,  “<em>do something</em>.”</p>
<p>Remus just hummed, muttered, “alright,” and—<em>oh</em>. </p>
<p>Sirius would remember that wicked smile Remus gave him for the rest of his life.</p>
<p>At first, Sirius thought Remus had played him, as the other man continued his trail down, around his cock, across the jut of his hip. Then, however, he moved further down, throwing Sirius’ legs over his shoulders, continued kissing and licking, lower and lower until—</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck! </em>” Sirius sobbed. With no warning, Remus had licked a broad, wet stripe over his hole, and Sirius had nearly bucked off the bed in shock.</p>
<p>Remus immediately shot up, utter mortification written all over his features, his eyes searching Sirius.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry! Sorry—I should’ve—I’ll stop—“ however, Sirius cut him off there.</p>
<p>“<em>Christ, </em>don’t you dare—<em>keep going!</em>” He growled, throwing an arm over his eyes at the same time as he threw his head back.</p>
<p>Remus’ eyes were wide as saucers, but as he processed Sirius’ words, he slowly sunk back down. He began again, this time with tiny licks and nibbles up his perineum, then back down, circling around Sirius’ hole with the tip of his tongue, not entering, just applying pressure, then easing off. Altering his pattern seemingly at random, Sirius couldn’t predict what the man was going to do next, every moment leaving him alternating between begging for more stimulation and crying out, shocked in writhing pleasure. </p>
<p>He was in a state. Sirius had nearly forgotten—how could he have forgotten?—his certain fondness for this activity. Remus had always indulged him with alarming frequency, leading him to believe that the other man harbored just as much, if not more, of a love for it. Now, he was keening, breath coming in wild heaves, and, absurdly, he felt he might cry. His arousal had sharpened to such a fine point that it was almost painful, and he gripped the base of his cock to keep from coming. Still, he ground his hips down, back into Remus’ face, trying to coax his tongue deeper, to take more, <em> faster</em>.</p>
<p>“<em>Moony</em>,” he sobbed again.</p>
<p>Remus rose for air, wild-eyed with saliva dripping down his chin, and taking a deep breath, asked:</p>
<p>“What is it, love? Are you still alright?”</p>
<p>“I—I need <em> more</em>.” Sirius shook his head, “<em>Faster</em>, something. It isn’t enough—“ he took a stuttering breath as Remus thumbed at his hole, catching on his rim.</p>
<p>“I want, um—” Sirius, for all they’d already done, was suddenly shy. Remus caressed his cheek with his other hand, whispering:</p>
<p>“Tell me, Pads. Anything, anything at all.”</p>
<p>“I want to ride you.” Remus’ eyes went wide, pupils blown, and he immediately nodded and reached for the bedside drawer, pulling out a small tube of lubricant.</p>
<p>“Do you want to prep yourself, or shall I?” Remus touched the small of his back reverently.</p>
<p>“You can do it, I, uh—“ Sirius blushed. “I miss it.”</p>
<p>Remus kissed him deeply, then, and guided Sirius to lay on his stomach and opened the tube, squirting some out while Sirius got comfortable.</p>
<p>Sirius felt his finger at his entrance, which was already slightly loose from their earlier activities, but Remus still entered him with nearly unbearable tenderness.</p>
<p>“<em>Moony, </em> you can go faster. M’not gonna break.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Remus hummed, “I could.” He kissed the top of Sirius’ head. “I like this part, though. You’re so pretty.”</p>
<p>Sirius moaned at the combination of Remus’ words and a second finger entering him. He spread his legs and tried to cant his hips back to take them deeper, but Remus laid his other hand on his lower back to keep him still.</p>
<p>“<em>Remus</em>, please, <em> please</em>, I need <em> more</em>. <em> Faster</em>. You’re an insufferable <em> tease</em>, you know.”</p>
<p>Remus didn’t say anything, but Sirius could tell he was silently laughing at his back, but slipped another finger in, so Sirius took it as a win.</p>
<p>Finally, after what seemed like ages, Remus pulled his fingers out of Sirius and laid down beside him. Somewhere along the way, Remus had pulled his own pajama bottoms off, and Sirius took the opportunity to stare at Remus’ cock, just as long and hard and <em> perfect </em> as he’d remembered.</p>
<p>“Are you sure you still want to do this?”</p>
<p>“Hmm, what did we say about questioning me?” Sirius asked arrogantly.</p>
<p>Remus glared at him, rolling his eyes, but wouldn’t let up.</p>
<p>“Yes, okay? I’m sure—I’ll have you know I’ve been <em> fantasizing </em> about this, if it makes you feel any better.” Sirius sat up and threw a leg over Remus to straddle him. Remus looked up at him as if that might’ve been the fact to break him. </p>
<p>Sirius felt Remus’ cock, long and hard, nestled up between his arsecheeks, and tested the position by rubbing back against it a bit, wanting to see if he could sober Remus in a more enjoyable way.</p>
<p>Remus let out a sound like he’d been punched, but just to be sure, he did it again.</p>
<p>“<em>Shit—</em>“ Remus groaned, which he soon followed with a startled laugh.</p>
<p>“You absolute menace! You'll be the death of me—it’s a wonder they let you roam about!”</p>
<p>“Well, they don’t, really…” Sirius smirked, “That’s why you’ve got to put up with me, see?”</p>
<p>“Ah, of course. Well, I suppose I’ll take one for the team, then. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone else to have to deal with you like this.” For all the teasing, this last comment really seemed to get Remus going, if the tightening of the man’s grip on his hips was anything to go by.</p>
<p>Sirius lifted himself on his knees, guided Remus’ cock to his hole, and slowly began to sink down, letting gravity do most of the work. The burn was uncomfortable, but the sensation was strangely familiar, as if he’d last done this only the week before, not over a decade ago. He let the feeling overwhelm him, tried to lose himself in the feeling of embodiment, of connection to the man underneath him. </p>
<p>“Christ, Sirius.” Remus’ eyes were closed tightly, but Sirius’ were wide open, his jaw slack as well, as he tried to get used to the sensation. Pretty soon he felt his arse snug against Remus’ hips, and after taking a moment to fully adjust, he lifted himself up, and then slammed himself back down on Remus’ cock.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” “Christ!”</p>
<p>They both cried out at once, unable to tell who had said what, but as Sirius began to move himself up and down on Remus’ cock, both of them lost in a world of pleasure, Sirius leaned his head back and wrapped a hand around himself, lost in the utter bliss of it all. Suddenly, Remus was speaking, and Sirius had to focus hard to understand what he was saying.</p>
<p>“God, do you even know what you look like? I’ve thought about you like this for years, you absolute <em> marvel</em>.” Remus leaned up to kiss him deeply.</p>
<p>“You were <em> made </em> for this, love. Absolutely perfect, bouncing on my cock like you love it, <em> so good </em> for me—“</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>, <em> Moony</em>.” Sirius was lost in pleasure, Remus’ words turning the energy thrumming through his veins sweet, like sticky honey.</p>
<p>“Tell me Pads, honestly, did you think of this? Did you dream of me inside you again?” Remus was looking right at him now, and Sirius could barely think straight.</p>
<p>“<em>Yes</em>, oh god, <em> I did</em>,” Sirius gasped, biting his lips—he felt so, so full. </p>
<p>“Christ, just, <em> you</em>, and your mouth, and <em> fuck, this</em>,” Remus took his cock in hand then, wrapping his hand around Sirius’, already on himself, and began jerking him in time with his own movement up and down.</p>
<p>“<em>S</em><em>hit</em>, Remus, I’m gonna—“</p>
<p>“<em>Come</em>, Sirius.”</p>
<p>As Sirius felt a wave of pleasure overwhelm him, his orgasm hit him, and nearly seconds after, he felt Remus spill inside him. His limbs flailing, Remus pulsing inside him, Sirius felt completely disoriented, leaning over to try and gather his bearings. </p>
<p>Finally coming to, both of them twitching in the aftershocks, Sirius gingerly lifted himself off of Remus’ softening cock and laid down beside the other man. Remus reached over to grab some tissues to clean them both up as best he could, and then immediately wrapped his arms around him as Sirius snuggled his head under the man’s chin.</p>
<p>As both of their breathing calmed, the worries started to set in on Sirius again. Would they be able to make this work again? They both had so much healing to do, how were they going to handle that in light of all the work that needed to be done? What did the future hold in store for them?</p>
<p>Remus must have felt him tense, because he kissed Sirius’ head softly and whispered:</p>
<p>“Love, forget about it. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it later. Together.”</p>
<p>Sirius sighed, cuddling further into Remus’ chest, and closed his eyes. A sense of calm washed over him. Remus was right—together. </p>
<p>For the first time in years, Sirius slept the night through.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You can find me on Tumblr @flowingangel</p></blockquote></div></div>
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